That's intense
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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