I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
