Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
