You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
