meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
