my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
