Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
