So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
