my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This house was built for laser tag.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
