Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
