The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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