Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
