i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
