Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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