everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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