You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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