I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
