bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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