If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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