Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
