Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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