i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
