farters have to be the big spoon...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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