wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
