nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
