so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
