I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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