I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
