turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
