haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this will be a night to untag.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
