The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
