In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
