this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
