I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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