If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
