He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
