so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize