your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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