My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Someone came in the potted fern
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
