either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Randomize
