it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
