Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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