I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
