Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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