I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
