turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
