Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
