I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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