he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
