I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
