hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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