And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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