Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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