so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
