He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
this will be a night to untag.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
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