so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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