Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
